The Other Reason Why I Took A Break From Blogging...

I mentioned that I took a break from blogging to heal my ailing mental health, and believe me, it worked! I unfollowed essentially every fitness/blog account on Instagram and blog that I read and I stayed off my blog Twitter. I just needed time to NOT look at super fit men and women and compare myself to them--what exercises they did, what they ate, etc.

Another reason, however, was because some blogs were just really irritating me with their content and the way some came off as being super healthy but in reality just encouraged me to fall back into bad behavior.

I'm not saying that some of these blog/Instragram owners had any malicious intentions--absolutely not! But I'm not going to be the kind of blogger that will be struggling and trying to hide it behind a fake facade of eternal happiness. That's not how life works. 

One thing in particular that truly irked me was when some women who had been through restrictive eating phases and became super slender would dub themselves "hard gainers" despite all the heavy lifting that they did and eating they supposedly followed. I'm not trying to come off as judgmental, because I did the exact same thing. At the beginning of this blog, I never even outright mentioned that I went through anorexia but I knew that some readers just knew. And I used to call myself a hard gainer all the time even though I was fully aware that I feared carbs.

Looking back on it, I was never a hard gainer or "ectomorph." I think anyone that calls themselves a hard gainer just doesn't understand what it means to put on mass. The ultimate problem is the fear of eating more. I get that when you have had disordered beating behaviors, you can never just have a normal relationship with food and "just eat more" like people who have never had an eating disorder tell you. It's so much more complex than that.

However, you are never going to gain muscle/weight if you don't step outside your comfort zone. Quit trying to justify your so-called "carb intake" with a shitload of vegetables and butternut squash. Eat more than grilled chicken/fish/egg whites and broccoli for dinner. Throw some rice in there, eat more carbs, more healthy fats, more food that you once enjoyed before your disordered eating. I understand too that orthorexia, an eating disorder associated with an obsession of only eating "healthy" food and "healthy" food only, has gained speed in the past few years among women. But why would you deny yourself your favorite food (like my ice cream) because you're afraid of getting "fat"? Just like when you eat one healthy meal doesn't make you "skinny", one unhealthy meal will not make you "fat."

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You'll never be able to get out of the isolated shell that you are barricading yourself inside of if you don't make the effort to get out. Let me compare it this way, if a powerlifter will never be able to hit a super heavy deadlift if they don't load a very unfamiliar, uncomfortable weight on there and try. Even if they can't get one rep and fail, they TRIED and know where to keep pushing towards. And eventually, guess what? They are able to do 3 reps of that weight!

This is another reason why I just had to take a break from blogging. Yes, ANYONE has the right to blog but please make sure you are aware of who your audience is and who you are feeding disordered ideas to. Some boy or girl could be like "hey I guess I'm a hard gainer too!" and eat just like you are because they see you doing it. NO NO NO STAWWWWP.

This is not "broscience." You don't have to eat "clean" 52 weeks of the year. You need to eat smart, you need to provide energy for your body (ESPECIALLY, if you train a lot), and you need to not have your mind consumed with food and exercise 24/7. LIVE YOUR LIFE.

 I followed a lot of accounts back recently, but ONLY those that I knew sent off positive and informative vibes. I will NOT follow accounts that post pictures of the same minimal food i.e. their tilapia with broccoli nor will I follow accounts that are taken over by an ass ton of selfies in the mirror. I do not care. That's not to say that, great, your body looks magnificent! But I do not want to see that shit 3x/day. This is my face when I see an Instagram page like the ones described above:

I LOVE to see accounts with TRAINING VIDEOS and scattered progress pics and delicious food (with carbs!) and cheat meals to prove to me that these people are human. Especially with the training videos, I love discovering new techniques and seeing people put their butts to work!

Since I have been back, but not as active, I'm still weary and conscious of what blogs not to read and I've also noticed that a lot of blogs that I did read that experienced the same issues I had gone through had also stopped blogging entirely. I think they saw what I probably saw and I can only hope that they have found peace with themselves.

Well I hope everyone had a great day. :)

I Joined The National Guard!

Hi guys! 

It's been a very busy week on my end--one of the busiest I've had to deal with in awhile. So I apologize for my lack of posting, but I do think if I posted every single day, I would run out of things to talk about. ;)

This week I solidified by decision to join the National Guard. 

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Oh goodness, those words sent tingles up my spine! Truth be told, I have wanted to join the military for a very long time. My only direct problem was that I absolutely 100% knew my mom wasn't going to like that decision. No mother wants to see their child join the military, I get that. I'm just trying to teach my mom that I am NOT going to be given a machine gun right away and be dropped off in the middle of Afghanistan told to shoot. That is the naive view people have on being in the military.

I had set up my college plans and I felt completely and utterly unsatisfied. In my honest opinion, I simply don't want to be the quintessential college student (although I know this view doesn't apply to everyone) but for the most part, many freshmen college students get to college, begin binge drinking, and start to avoid their studies. I'm not saying this would happen to me, however, I very well know I would be surrounded by people looking to do this and I would probably end up being the girl watching Netflix all weekend in her dorm. That is NOT how I want to spend my college years.

I've always been a person to try to go above and beyond. That's why the military lifestyle intrigues me so very well. You can't mess around in the military. You get caught drinking or smoking and you're out. It's as simple as that. My dad was once in the army, so he had a lot to say about the regulations and standards we are held to. And I loooove that.

My training partner has been in the National Guard since August, and I also know two other people at my school in the National Guard as well, one of them also being a female. My training partner is such a genuine and humble guy, but he's also the most adamant on reaching his goals and hard to the core about doing what is right, so I am very honored that he was the one that recruited me.

Beyond that, I have met with my staff sergeant and all I have to say is that he is absolutely incredible. I know with absolute validity that I will be in great hands. Not to mention that I get a free T-shirt almost every time I meet him which is basically once a week. Free T-shirts? I'm so in.

And, to clear misconceptions up, I will STILL be going to college. The National Guard allows me to still be a full-time civilian student but train with them once per month. I will still get my degrees and still be one badass chick, AND I could possibly get my master's faster. Besides that, they also pay my entire tuition among many more benefits. But, unlike many other students (which there is nothing wrong with this--free tuition? I think yes) I am NOT joining the National Guard for these benefits and these benefits alone. I am joining as a personal venture and, as cheesy as it sounds, to serve my country. It's as simple as that.

Other than the literally 30+ pages I needed to fill out and sign to enlist, I've also had a lot of homework and almost no time for the gym. It's been hectic. However, I ALWAYS find a way to train, even if that means waking up at 4 in the morning or going to the gym at 9 at night. If there's a will, there's a way. ;)

On another note, I weighed myself for the first time in months. I have not known my weight for a very long time, and I did not have any desire to know. However, I agreed to try a "cutting" phase of sorts with my training partner (since I have never properly "cut" before and would like to add the experience to my repertoire) so I needed to know where I was starting off at. This morning I stepped on the scale, looked down, saw the number... and did not freak out. What a liberating experience! I was actually pretty pleased with this number, not because it was low, but because it reflected some hard work over the months, and I went about my normal routine of making breakfast and so on and so forth. During this "cut phase" I will NOT be weighing myself regularly or obsessively. That is not my intention. I just want to see where I will be able to push my limits and see how far I can go, not just simply for a "shredded physique." My mentality on health and training has transformed incredibly throughout the past two years, and having the most cut body in the world is no longer my goal. Being physically and mentally fit and healthy is and always will be my number one priority, and I am focusing on getting stronger rather than getting a vein on my bicep. 

It just goes to show you that when you take time off to focus on your personal health, it really makes a difference because you learn what's more important in life, and let me reiterate that it is NOT the material things and your exterior appearance. Again, I would rather boast about my ability to do 100 consecutive burpees (holy hell) than to say LOOK AT MY SIX PACK.

And one last thing, after I strolled out of the gym last night after an awesome back/bicep workout, it was super windy up here in the north and very wet from previous rain, but the sky was absolutely breathtaking and blew me away. Walking to my car, I took it all in, looked around me, stared at the incoming moon for quite awhile, let the wind throw me around, and stood there in complete silence. These moments make my life worthwhile--I am glad to be alive and experience this wind, strikingly beautiful moon, translucent rain and everything else in nature and beyond. 

Enjoy your life.

My Leg Workout from Hercules

I've had a rough week, but a killer workout is really all I need to get my sight focused back on my goals. Once I have an amazing workout, my whole mood can be changed for the better. It's incredible to me how I can walk into the gym having forced myself to go because I had lost all motivation, and walk out feeling like a boss ass bitch. That's the power of the iron, folks.

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I had an awesome back workout Saturday, and when I was doing T-bar rows in the corner with the Olympic bar and seated row handle, a trainer teaching a woman back squats commented how I was adding a good amount of weight for a girl. I did two plates (which isn't even my max, just sayin'...) and after a set of that he commented that I had amazing form and that to be honest, he doubted I could lift it. But he was proven wrong. He also congratulated me on my lack of fear of the weight room unlike most females, my motivation to lift super heavy, and lastly he said he was trying to figure out why all the boys in the gym kept staring at me wide-eyed but not approaching me. He said he figured it out that they thought I was a beast but were way too intimidated to approach me for fear that I could out-lift them, which the trainer proceeded to tell me I probably could do. Best thing I've heard all week.

Honestly, people at my school, especially girls, tell me all the time that I am super inspiring and I am a badass because I lift but I usually just smile and think they're only saying that to make me feel better about myself. However, when a muscular trainer at a badass gym tells me this, I seem to believe it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's kind of like when you're in middle school and your parents say you're beautiful as opposed to the hot jock saying you that you are beautiful. On top of the awesome back workout, his kind words really motivated me to smash the rest of my workout, which trust me, I did.

Yesterday may have been even better. It was LEG DAY a.k.a. my favorite muscles to train, and I did my beloved squats but knew I was stuck at the same weight for awhile and really wanted to go up. I was scared though, because I didn't have the person I usually train with to spot me. But if you know me, you know I am a social butterfly and I am absolutely not afraid to ask someone to spot me. I asked this very nice gentleman who gladly agreed to but looked hesitant, as if he doubted my ability to squat the given weight. However, once I got started and I got my reps in, he told me I had excellent form and amazing dedication to the gym for someone my age (and gender). Things like this really make me smile because I truly do want women and teenagers to understand that they CAN kick ass at the gym just like any other "meathead." It also tells me that since I've been receiving a plethora of comments on having good form, I'm truly glad that when I first started lifting, I took extra precaution focusing on form rather than trying to let my ego get in the way and lift as heavy as possible because now I can lift heavier AND have good form and it feels fucking spectacular.

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Okay, now that I'm off my high horse, I'll share with you the marvelous leg workout that I was blessed with yesterday:

1) Barbell Back Squats - 10 sets of 20 (warm-up), 15, 12, 10, 8, 6, 8, 10, 12, 15 reps
Note: I did a pyramid scheme, so I started out light and went to my set for strength (6 reps) and then worked my way back up. Absolutely killer. Make sure you focus on form with squats! It's easy to round your back but keep that bitch straight and try to look up. You DON'T have to go ass to grass (these can be bad for your knees but they do have a time and place in any workout regimen with lighter weight) but make sure you're AT LEAST doing parallel. NO QUARTER REPS!!! Anywhere from 2-3 minutes rest between sets.

2A) Leg Press (wide stance) - 3 x 12, 15, 15
2B) Leg Press (narrow stance) - 3 x 12, 15, 15

Note: This was a superset. As soon as I finished my reps with a wide stance (feet apart), I went straight to narrow stance (feet together). I did 12 at first (my goal was 15) but I realized I went slightly too heavy. The last two sets I moved the weight down slightly and got to 15 (barely). The weight you choose shouldn't be too easy but shouldn't be too heavy. Find a weight that challenges all that you have in you to finish but isn't too hard/easy. 1 minute rest between sets.

3A) Walking Lunges - 3 x down and back (any open space in your gym)
3B) Elevated Barbell Hip Thrusts
Note: Superset. The space I used for walking lunges was long and challenging to go down and back. Don't choose a space where you only can take a few steps before turning around. I tend to go lighter on walking lunges because they're slightly more difficult than doing them stationary and I want to drop the back leg as far as it can go while maintaining a good stretch. For the hip thrusts, I simply used a box for box jumps and rested my heels on there and placed the barbell I used for the lunges across my hips and thrusted upwards, holding it a bit to feel the burn in the glutes. Again, I didn't go too heavy. 1-2 minutes rest between sets.

4) Leg Extensions - 5 x 12 (dropset)
Note: For my dropsets, I usually give myself anywhere between 5 to 10 seconds to rest after I finish a set, then I drop the weight by 10 pounds and rock out 12 more reps. Your quads should be cussing at you by the end of these. 5-10 second rest between sets.

5A) Lying Hamstring Curls - 3 x 15
5B) Machine Glute Raises - 3 x 15 (each leg)
Note: Superset. I didn't go super heavy on the hamstring curls--only enough to wear me out but still leave enough energy to finish the glute raises.The glute raises were also done with a light weight because at this point, your legs should be screaming with pain. After ten sets of squats, mine definitely were. Some gyms don't have either machine, so if you have a leg extension machine, you can do hamstring curls standing up, or you can use a bench and put a dumbbell between your shins and curl it. For the glute raises, you can put a light dumbbell between your hamstring and calf and get on all fours and lift the leg up, squeezing the glutes. 1 minute rest between sets.

6) Prowler Pushes - 5 x down and back
Note: I used the same space as I did with the walking lunges. Some gyms aren't privileged enough to have prowlers, but if your gym does have one, use it! You don't have to do these, I just wanted to do some conditioning to finish out my leg workout and get a little cardio action. I used a heavy enough weight to really tax my muscles. I had two guys comment that the weight was more than I weighed but they were impressed that I managed to push it down and back--another reason why I love people who compliment my work ethic at the gym! Sprinting down and back with the prowler is no joke. I was absolutely DYING by the fifth round of these and my legs were on fire but it was SO worth it; these are so fun and I can't wait to do them again! 1-2 minutes rest between sets.

7) Seated Calf Raises - 5 x 15
Note: I don't go too heavy with calves after leg day because at this point, I just want to go home and put my legs up. I rounded out the leg workout with this calf exercise, and I hold the contraction of the calves at the top of the rep. Killer. 30 second rest between sets.

How's that for a tiring leg workout, eh? I always say challenge yourself with your weight selection. It shouldn't be so easy that by the end of it you feel like you can do 10 more sets of squats! After this I was shaking--I couldn't even text properly. I should also add that one of the men that commented on the prowler pushes was there with his 12-year-old son who copied me with the prowler pushes and said he wanted to be as strong as me, LOL! So cute. Starting 'em out young! (And no, the boy didn't go too heavy with any exercise because I know people like to make the argument that lifting too heavy too young stunts your growth. The dad made sure of it, don't worry guys.)

If you do the workout, make sure you let me know and tell me what you think! Happy Monday! (And by the way, if you watch the BroScienceLife videos on YouTube, you'll know why I just purchased this shirt hehehe.)

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My Training Philosophies

Alright so in my last post I talked about how my training philosophies have changed pretty substantially.

I should preface this by saying that I lifted at a smaller gym that was my life for about two and a half years. It is where my journey started, where I made a lot of friends in the form of lifting buddies who were all about dat broscience, and it is where my heart tingles whenever I drive past it because it has quite the sentimental value to me.

Unfortunately, I got into a dispute with the manager and my membership was terminated (me + my anger = mayhem). I won't get into why we got into a dispute (although is was some BS) but I truly believe it pushed me to find a better niche. I went from there to an LA Fitness where I went for about four months. I couldn't get into it there. It wasn't a bad gym, but I couldn't find any bros, and most of the time I would get hit on by creepy dudes who felt the need to "spot" me all the time even if I was warming up with the bar. So I left, and followed a good friend of mine who was just getting into working to a verrry small gym with the weight room the same size as a walk-in closet. It had the essentials, so I went there for about two months. At LA and the small gym is where I relaxed a bit on the training. I didn't go balls to the wall every time because I knew I needed to give myself both a mental and physical break. I did some cardio to relieve stress and I did essential compound exercises for the most part, but didn't go too heavy, and didn't push myself at all. I was basically in a slump.

Then, a really cool dude who used to go to my original gym told me about this larger gym that is a renovated Gold's Gym. I was hesitant at first because I didn't think I would belong at a place like that and I didn't want to spend the extra money for the amenities that the gym supplies. But when I was still at the tiny gym one day, I knew I wasn't satisfied and I knew I wanted to get back into serious lifting which I couldn't do at the small gym because the gym had never seen things like chalk and grunting.

I signed up at the former Gold's Gym and I looooove it. I'm not even uncomfortable when I step in the weight room because there are people from all shapes and sizes. At the small gym, the cardio section overwhelmed the place but here, there are two small sections for cardio and that's about it. (And they have TVs!!!) There is one free weight section, a Hammer Strength/Cybex/Icarian machine section, and a section with all the other lame machines that no one cares about. (Can you tell which two sections I like to stick to?) There's also a small Women's Fit Studio for women uncomfortable with the idea to move on to the big boy weights and a section with green felt (don't know what to call it?) with kettlebells, PROWLERS, and where people do their box jumps and walking lunges.

So yeah, basically it's my swole haven.

I've trained with the guy who introduced me to the place a few times (and he kicks ass/is huge for being 18) and I've trained by myself and each time I walk out of there feeling I should do the bro walk so I can show off my swaggy swag.

My principles to lifting as of right now is as follows (since I still like making lists):

1. If you can push out a few more reps, push them out.

I tend to underestimate my strength a lot. So I'll grab a certain weight and mentally envision myself doing a set number of reps, say for example 12 reps. And then I get to 12 reps, and I don't stop simply because that's what my training regimen says for the day. I push out a few more because why the hell wouldn't I? I'm not going to stop because the workout plan says I need to stop at 12. One time I told myself to do 12 reps and I ended up pushing out 25 (with proper form, of course). Underestimation to the max.

2. Compound exercises > Isolation exercises
I won't ever ever ever start a workout with an isolation exercise unless it is for the simple reason of pumping blood into a muscle for very light reps, or if I was doing pre-exhaustion (which I am currently still learning about). You gotta save your prime energy for the hard exercises FIRST; this is what I was always taught and what works best for me. I'm not going to exert too much energy and burn out after a few sets of leg extensions or machine shoulder presses. That's stupid. I'm going to recruit more muscle fibers doing the compounds and use my energy for that reason. If it's hard to do seated hamstring curls after doing deadlifts, you know you kicked ass. Plus it's a lot cooler to say "I hit *this* amount of weight on deadlifts" instead of saying "yeah bro I hit *this* amount of weight on hamstring curls". #sorrynotsorry

3. 1-8 reps for strength / 8-12 reps for building muscle

I'm just starting to learn how powerlifting philosophies differ from bodybuilding philosophies. I see powerlifters all the time who aren't necessarily "jacked". This is apparently because they are more worried with hitting a good rep of the heaviest weight possible, and in their rep range, their body builds strength over muscle. (I always thought muscle equates to strength, but this is not at all true). Bodybuilders are more concerned with the aesthetic of their appearance, and want to look as muscular as possible, not lift a certain amount of weight. Bodybuilders usually utilize the 8-12 rep range because this rep range tends to put on muscle. That's not to say you can't gain muscle in the 1-8 rep range. There's a psychologist at my school who is super muscular but she is not a bodybuilder, she is a powerlifter. I am starting to mix both bodybuilding and powerlifting training techniques into my workouts because I want to look hella swole, but I also want to be hella strong. (Sure sir, let me open that pickle jar for you because I'm strong as helllll)

4. I emphasize training in my life because it is my safe haven.

Sometimes, I place the gym before my homework. I do get it done, but I'd rather go to the gym then struggle doing stupid calculus homework. #sorrynotsorry If I can't get to the gym after school when I usually go, I will wake up at 4 just to be there. I go to the gym on the weekends, and I will never sacrifice my happy time to make someone else happy. If someone texted me saying they needed to talk because they're feeling super depressed and needed me to pick them up ASAP (which happens a lot because people like talking to me) I would without a doubt drop the dumbbell in my hands and speed on over there. However, if someone asked me to come over at a certain time to spend the day with them, I would politely tell them I will be over AFTER I get my swole on. This may seem stupid to some people but it's how I roll. You can deal with the happy, endorphin-filled Brittany after she works out, OR you could choose the crabby, about-to-snap-on-a-hoe Brittany who hasn't worked out. Your choice.

5. I lift heavy and push myself to move on to the next set of weights.
I used to have this mentality that I couldn't lift a certain amount of weight because I wouldn't be able to do it. But how in the world are you going to get stronger if you won't take the leap of faith and start using heavier weights? People often times get way too comfortable--the dreaded "comfort zone" and ultimately they end up plateauing fast. You won't continue to put on muscle and build strength if you use the same weight each and every time. It is obviously going to be very intimidating, but even if you get a few good reps you feel like the Hulk is your biological father. Period. When I was at LA Fitness and the small gym, I never pushed myself to lift heavier because I was way too afraid to ask for a spotter and I justified this by saying "I don't want to injure myself". People frequently judge the "meatheads" in the weight room very quickly, not understanding that just because a person is muscular/lifting heavy ass weight does NOT imply that they are unapproachable and unfriendly. If you don't have a training partner and you need a spot, ASK someone. No one is going to be an asshole and tell you no, unless of course they are truly a douchebag, in which case that is not a reflection on YOU. The other day, I was doing shoulder presses and I didn't have my partner with me but I was nervous of moving up without a spot, so I asked this very kind gentleman to spot me. On the first set of "heavy" weights that I held myself back from because of self-doubt, I got 8 reps with "perfect form wow" (quoted from the spotter) and actually ended up not needing him in the first place! Never doubt your ability to lift heavy ass weight and be friendly and open in the gym! Even though I didn't need the guy later on, he kept an eye on me just in case because that's how fellow lifters are. We are a swole family that looks out for each other!

6. Workouts don't have to be three hours.
Nope, as long as you get your exercises in and you feel like you pumped that ish out, you're good for the day. Go home, and stop questioning whether you ought to stay more and do more pointless exercises. I used to do this all the time. My superset workouts last about 45 min. to an hour and my straight set workouts can be anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half. If I am feeling antsy, I may stay two hours but that's rare, even when I do HIIT cardio. Get in, get out, get swole.

7. "Overtraining" LULZ
I used to believe in overtraining: working a muscle too long or too frequently in a week and "burning out." When I believed this crap, I didn't see any gains. None. CT Fletcher (look him up on YouTube) definitely helped me change this mentality. Overtraining is a load of bullshit in MY opinion. If I see a muscle lagging behind, I am going to work it more frequently so it grows. Currently, my biceps fall way behind my triceps and I do biceps about three times a week and I've noticed a lot more progress. And my hamstrings also fall behind my quads, so I need to give them more love and attention too. I don't recommend doing chest and biceps every.single.day (I'm talking to the teenage boys out there) but then again, they say that Tom Platz, a.k.a. best legs in bodybuilding history, squatted for hours and hours during the week so his legs could get that big and he didn't "burn out" so there's that for "overtraining." (Also note he back squatted 500 lbs. for 23 reps so HA)

8. I like to mix it up!
I cannot even begin to FATHOM how some lifters can do the same routine for like six weeks straight... HOW. I get bored so very easily; I have an attention span of a freaking goldfish. Doing the same exercises, with the same variation, for the same amount of sets and reps is so dismal. I just can't. At max, I will do the same routine twice in a row and that is IT. People may argue that you won't see how you progress unless you follow the same routine but I don't care. I like switching up variations of exercises (for example: front squats and back squats) and switching between giant sets and supersets and straight sets and how many sets I do, etc. I personally believe that your body is so very intelligent. It gets too accustomed too fast to certain routines and you plateau, simple as that. When you give it a stimulus to grow by shocking it with different exercises (since it thinks you'll be doing the same routine), you grow! Like I said, it has PERSONALLY WORKED FOR ME and if you do the same routine all power to ya.

My apologies for the word vomit and if you made it this far, amen brotha/sista. May the anabolic gods me with you.

I'M BACK! Again.........

I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT MY DOMAIN BACK!!!

I guess if you take a break from blogging to sort out your life, Blogger thinks it's funny to mess up your domain. Yeah, real cute Blogger. 

I tried creating new blogs but I couldn't get into them like this one. I always come back to Miss Fit Britt. ;) Always!

Why did I take a break from blogging? I was tired of the crap I kept seeing on a daily basis: fitness models taking selfies that show off their BOOBS and not the muscle that their description is telling you to fight for (like I would work boobs if that was an option???), recipes from struggling girls that included no carbs EVERY SINGLE TIME, and ultimately just a lot of things I found annoying. #sorrynotsorry

In the past few months, a lot of things have changed drastically in my life. I am now a second semester senior in high school, I lost some very good friends but gained some new (awesome) ones as well, I've changed gyms a whopping total of THREE times, my family life is much different, and my mental and physical state are clearly so much different as well.

As I sit here and think about all the changes in my life, it makes me want to tear up. I've been through hell and back and for once in my life I actually feel content with where I am. Do I have a shredded six pack? No. But who is to say I won't get that one day? I'm no longer the very frail girl that I was when I first started posting. I'm no longer obsessed with bodybuilding competitions like I once was. I still want to compete, but it doesn't consume my life like it previously had. I don't obsess over clean eating anymore, either. Do I still think eating clean is very beneficial for your health? Definitely! However, I'm young and wild and I'm not about to follow this strict regimen of eating at 17 years old--I want to enjoy ice cream (my crack) and pastries and Panda Express orange chicken!!! That isn't to say that I completely eat like crap, but I don't make it a point to eat perfect 100% of the time.

I'll definitely post progress pictures in the future, like REAL ones, but here's two photos that will give you an idea on how far I've come *if this is going to trigger anyone, exit the page right now*:

Holy poodles I was skinny.

Is that a little butt I see?

I hate when people attribute their entire weight gain to "eating whole foods in a large quantity and lifting super efficiently!!!" Like no. I gained weight by swallowing (excuse my French) my fucking pride, eating DELICIOUS """UNCLEAN"""" FOOD, NOT training every.single.day, and ENJOYING LIFE OUTSIDE OF THE KITCHEN AND THE GYM. I guess people don't seem to realize this who are "hard gainers" and are trying to gain weight, especially after coming off an eating disorder like anorexia. Been there, done that, and here I am. WITH A BUTT. (I'd like to than the academy and also Suzy's Swirl frozen yogurt tysm)

My training philosophies have changed, and I have new gym friends and ones to look back on as memories.

I'll change the layout of my blog soon and my about me, but I won't rush it. I'll be back! I'm now back into hardcore lifting (because it's the love of my life--I'm taking a dumbbell to prom) so I will be logging what I do if anyone cares. Thanks for reading! (If I still have readers at all?)